Resolution

Before I ask someone out on a date, I will ascertain that they *know* I am asking them out on a date. Granted, this will make it far more difficult for me to actually find someone to date, but I will not find myself kicking myself for giving movie and theatre comps to people who:

1) have found a boyfriend since two weeks ago when you checked if they were single;

2) think they're way out of your league ("You asked me out? You're so brave!!!")

3) cancel three hours before we're supposed to meet up because they happen to have too much homework; and despite prompting do not reschedule.

And this is leaving out all those guys who seemed okay after a first date, but then always say they're too busy for a second.

The truth is, I really am fan-fucking-tastically lonely. There are people who're attracted to me, but I'm usually not attracted to them. And thus far I have not had one single real relationship. My only ex from three years ago declared that he had only time for an open relationship and insisted that IMing was as good as actual dating.

My friends have been giving me counselling. They say I make things more difficult for myself by being strange, but of course I shouldn't be anyone other than myself. And of course there's the big problem of my being attracted mostly to younger men.

Things reached a fever pitch during the weekend. Loneliness isn't poison; it's starvation, and during fasts you experience hallucinations. Hypodermic chocolate. Origami in the mouth. White rice quicksand. This wasn't helped by the fact that Umbu and Ligerinho had just come back to capoeira class, and no matter how chill they are, it's still very difficult to interact casually with handsome men.

As the roda played and Baiana played the pandeiro, the senses inside me flooded and became one with the ax'e. I beat the atabaque. I compraed. I aued. I gingaed. Queixada. Armada. Parafuso. Meia lua de frente. Meia lua de compaso. Negativa. Role.

It stops hurting when I fight. Esquiva. Cocorinha. Encrucihada. And I don't even fight that well.

I'm actually not as depressed as I sound right now, but I do need introductions.